Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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