Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
