I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
