apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
