maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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