Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
