God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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