I am full of burrito and curiosity
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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