why didn't you poke me back
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
