I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
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