look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
