there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
