Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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