Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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