and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
