my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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