I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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