My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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