we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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