I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
