ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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