Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
