I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
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If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
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I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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