I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
