i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I will pee on everything he values.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
