im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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