know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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