I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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