When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
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the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
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