someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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