i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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