More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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