Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
