4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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