between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
