remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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