someone get that fucking seahorse.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
You took a bar mat shot.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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