I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
