Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
