Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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