I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
