she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
