I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
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I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
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When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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