i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
