i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
