4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
areolas are like halos for boobs.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
