we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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