it's like her boobs came off with her bra
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
