Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
