Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
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