Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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