Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
