There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Quick, to the slutcave!
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
