A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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