Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Randomize
