I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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