Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
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