I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
