I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
