Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
