i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
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