mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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