you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
