u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
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I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
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the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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